How To Talk So Children Will Listen

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

I remember being awe-struck by the fact that my son’s kindergarten teacher talked in a soft voice, never raising her voice to get a student’s attention or to gain control of the class. She had a small “tinkly” bell that she rang when the class became loud. She would remind the children that she needed everyone to be “good listeners” so they would know what they would be doing next. I asked her how she was able to maintain her “softness of voice.” She answered by saying, “The children have to learn to listen. They cannot hear me over the voices of their classmates, so they learn to quiet each other down so they can hear what I am saying. If I raise my voice, then I am just competing with them.” The second part of her success for maintaining order was to follow through with what she said would happen. She was very precise in giving instructions. When students continued to be disruptive, they forfeited the planned activity. This sometimes meant the whole class. Other times it was particular students who were given something else to do while the rest of the class carried on with the activity. The next day, the child or children being disciplined, got another chance to prove themselves.

Power struggles do not have positive outcomes. We may win temporarily, but the problem will not likely be resolved. The outcome that is needed is a “win-win.”
As parents, we are often too “wordy.” Simple, clear instructions will suffice in most cases. Instructions need to be told, not asked. “You have five more minutes.” “Your shoes are in the floor.” “Towel on the rack.” “Use an indoor voice.” And remember, actions speak louder than words. Mean what you say and take action to enforce it. Use the “three times you’re out” rule. Speak twice, the third time take action.

To gain cooperation, it is helpful to have a child repeat what was said. “Tell me what we are we going to be doing this afternoon.” It is also helpful to describe change. “At 3:00 we will be going to the library. It is 2:15 now. You have enough time to finish your game and put it away.” To redirect children, tell them what is expected. “Stop bickering and finish the game. You know the rules.” Or, “Play fairly or put the game away now.”

Logical consequences are preferred to punishment in most cases. If we are not careful, we can assign a punishment that is confining for us, as well as the child. Punishment may not be as effective as logical consequences. In the book, “Teaching Children to Care,” author Ruth Sidney Charney tells of a situation with two first grade boys who kept horsing around in the coat room, spilling coats and lunch boxes everywhere. They were kept in from recess. It was only a day or two later that they were back at it. This time, the teacher wised up and had them spend their recess time reorganizing the coat room. As parents, when we get to our wit’s end, we sometimes say things we really don’t mean or wouldn’t really do. This teaches children just the opposite of what we want to teach. “She’s really not going to do anything.”

Are we supposed to always maintain a cool, calm and collected persona? No. It is fine for our children to see us upset or angry. We are human. We just need to remember to attack the issue and not the child. With teenagers, in particular, we get our mettle tested. We may go from teaching a lesson to being nurturing to reading them the riot act. Sometimes all three are needed. The important thing is that we say what we mean and mean what we say. As parents, we are our child’s most important teacher. How they see us resolve situations will be remembered and probably practiced.