Using Natural Consequences, Positive Disipline and Problem Solving for Children

“Yakity-Yak, Don’t Talk Back”

What is it that makes some parents think that by shutting kids down, they have stopped an undesired behavior? Most of us have indelibly etched into our brains phrases we remember our parents using to gain control of us. I recall two phrases that were used a lot on me: “Do you understand me, young lady?” And, “Don’t you talk back to me, young lady.” While I remember the disciplinary phraseology, I have no earthly idea what it was I was supposed to understand or what I was wanting to talk back about. I do remember being frustrated because no one seemed to care what I thought or how I felt about much of anything.

Is punishment the most effective way to teach a child compliance? I don’t think so. Being shut down may stop a behavior temporarily, but it doesn’t teach a child how to problem-solve or how to negotiate a win-win situation. Unfortunately, it doesn’t even teach what most parents are attempting to teach, obedience and respect. It may be more like winning the battle, but losing the war. When a child is not allowed to express feelings, for example, they may become frustrated. When this happens, they may rebel by taking control of something they can control, such as their grades or whether they will keep their rooms clean. One lost battle can lead to another on a different front. Some children tend to “keep the peace” by doing as they are told. These kids grow up to be “pleasers,” looking to others to tell them what to do. As parents, the goal is to teach our children how to think critically and make good decisions. They can only do that if they are allowed to develop the skills.

In their book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk,”
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish offer some alternatives for punishment. Punishment is more than spanking or taking things away. It also includes critical or negative dialogue. In lieu of this, Faber and Mazlish suggest: 1) Point out what would be helpful, 2) Express strong disapproval by using I statements and avoiding accusations or attacking character, 3) State your expectations, 4) Show the child how to make amends, 5) Give a choice, 6) Take action, 7) Allow natural consequences to happen.

Putting these seven suggestions into action, let’s look at a scenario with a nine year old who won’t come in from playing when called to supper. Supper is on the table, everyone else is ready to eat and nine year old Mark comes in thirty minutes after being called. Supper has gotten cold, the rest of the family is upset about having to wait and Mom is upset about having to reheat everything. Let’s start with number seven. The natural consequence for Mark’s lateness would be that he misses supper and has to make himself a sandwich. After he has eaten his sandwich, Mom and Dad can sit him down and tell him that when Mom has prepared supper and has it ready, that it is polite for everyone to come to the table on time. They can also tell him that others like to eat while the food is hot. Mom can use an “I” statement to let Mark know how it makes her feel when he doesn’t come. “I feel upset that your place is empty after I have gone to the trouble to prepare a nice hot meal.” Mom and Dad can tell Mark that they expect him to come when called and give him a choice of either coming when called or not going outside the hour before supper. They can tell Mark that they believe he wants to come on time and give him another chance to make amends. If he does not follow through with his promise, then they take action and his choice then is limited to not going out the hour before supper time. The child has options he can execute. If his choice is non-compliance, then he limits his own self by his choice. Consistency in following through with what is laid out for the child is key.

Sometimes issues require more complex thought to resolve a problem. Steps to problem-solving can be worked through at a sit-down with the child. First, talk about the problem and ask for feedback from the child. This give him/her an opportunity to express thoughts, feelings and needs. Next, talk about your thoughts, feelings and needs as a parent. Brainstorm with the child to come up with possible solutions to the problem. Write down all the ideas generated. Decide together which ones seem to be the best ideas and discard the ones that both of you don’t think would work. Lastly, pick the solution you both think should be tried and decide on a time frame to test it. Remember, if a solution is not working, it is not beneficial to keep trying to force it to work. While coming up with possible options, note a couple of other possible solutions that can be tried if the first option doesn‘t work. If plan “A” fails, move to plan “B.” A way to make both parties accountable for their part is to write down the agreement. Be very specific about the terms. Post it in a place it can be viewed easily. Needless to say, it is extremely important that the agreement be followed. If one or the other fails to follow through, the agreement is null and void has to be re-negotiated.

By taking the time to teach children the skill of problem-solving, we are preparing them to become critical thinkers and equipping them for life.