Bob Sanders: Time to head home for the holidays

Mercy. The days do dwindle down. Here it is, time for the annual pilgrimage to my hometown and preparations have barely begun. I have scouted the route and picked out a few likely looking rest stops.

One is between Prattville and Centerville. It’s a place that reminds me of Fort Jackson — sandy soil and little scrub oaks that never get bigger. The other one is somewhere over in the Sipsey Swamps ... where the mosquitoes grow to immense sizes. However, this being almost winter, I don’t think they will be a problem.

There are a few local warlord areas we’ll have to pass through, but we will have with us this year a noted translator, Jen Woods, who is fluent in most of the local dialects ... except in Lamar County, where I will be the translator.

You’ll be traveling first class in the pickups of Merrell Jones and Willie Cosby. They have promised to have the pickup beds thoroughly cleaned and put down with a fresh layer of clean straw. (Last year, you’ll recall, they had not been too careful about cleaning after the last load of hogs.) We have taken your health and spiritual needs into consideration. Dr. Whoopee, noted prostratologist, will be the staff physician, and Brother Anthony will be the chaplain.

Refreshments will include crackers and hoop cheese and sardines and potted meet. Also RC Colas and Moon Pies.

One caution: we do have to pass through Tuscaloosa, so try to keep a low profile there.

An advance group will go ahead in the Auburn Velvet Bean Growers Association crop duster to Lamar International, where they will meet with cousin J.T. Todd, who will help them arrange sleeping quarters and food for the balance of the expedition.

Tentatively, we are set to get our meals at the Sanitary Cafe. Sleeping quarters will be in the Lamar Hotel, between the picture show and the mule barn.

I’m looking forward to showing you around the Christmas places of my youth. You’ll see the Yellow Front store and Falkner’s, with its beautifully decorated windows (and you can find anything there, from a singletree to a Sunday dress), the Rexall Drug Store, Sam McDaniel’s Standard Station, Web Box’s garage, Woco-Pep station, Oakes’ Sinclair station, the Vernon Recreation Center (the pool room), Wheeler’s barbershop, Murphy’s barbershop, Clearman’s, both blacksmith shops, both gins, and Wimpy’s Place for the occasional hamburger or hotdog.
The streets around the courthouse will be aglow with colored lights, and there’ll be a huge blue-lit cross on the water tank.

For a slight extra fee, you can take the Mt. Pisgah community tour and see where the Sabnderses and Matthews and Bomans and Chandlers and Finches and Crowders and Robertses and Todds and Reeves and Thompsons and Merchants and McCarvers and Bickerstaffs and Piersons lived, a side trip that will be remembered. Time is drawing short. You should check with Ms. Jones right away about tickets. Beware of counterfeit tickets, and ... bon voyage!

Bob Sanders is a longtime radio personality with WAUD in Auburn and writes a weekly column for the Opelika-Auburn News.