Joe McAdory: Hospital bed Twister played in cute green socks

Bladders don’t care if you’re chained to a hospital bed with heart monitor wires glued to your chest. Bladders don’t care if you’re prohibited from moving your leg or raising your head. Bladders don’t care if you’re strictly prohibited from crawling off the mattress and sneaking into the nearest bathroom.

Bladders don’t call a time out, or make appointments to use the john when it’s most convenient.

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

And when you’re handed a bedpan that resembles a milk jug, you quickly figure out what to do with it. I won’t get into specifics, but navigating a bodily function into a plastic jug when you’re afraid to tangle the wires, you’re not permitted to move your leg, or even raise your head can be likened to a game of hospital bed Twister. Throw in a few hard sedatives and the game is taken to a psychedelic level.

After spending Monday morning in the cardiac catheterization lab at East Alabama Medical Center, I learned a good bit, am more appreciative of the people who dedicate their lives to helping others and even have a few ideas that could make hospital visits better.

First, it’s time to introduce patients to optional hospital-issued sweatpants. Look, I’m not talented enough to tie that freakin’ gown in the back and when I was coherent enough to walk to the bathroom on my own I probably mooned anyone in the immediate vicinity. Flexible sweatpants still allow doctors and nurses access to what they need to have access to and you won’t flash folks unless you simply feel the urge to do so.

Had another thought during my post-procedure trance … when physicians administer future patients with anesthesia, why not crank the catheter lab sound system with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon? After all, I had become comfortably numb.

And then there were the hospital-issued little lime-green socks with smiley faces on the bottom. Cute. Very cute … if you’re a girl. I’m a dude. Dudes don’t wear little lime-green socks with smiley faces. How about some plain old white gym socks with baseballs or footballs on them?

So there I was wearing my cute little lime-green smiley-faced socks in my hospital moo-moo gown streaking across the hall with my rear end hanging out. Very manly indeed. I suddenly feel the urge to get a tattoo.

Regardless of the garb, I can’t say enough about the care I received and thoughtfulness presented by the staff there. I do believe my nurse is an angel. Maybe she’ll let me wear manly socks or steel-toed work boots next time.

I couldn’t help but smile when staffers presented me with a box of glazed doughnuts -- my favorite. Somebody warmed a shiny, golden doughnut and served it to me moments after my procedure — even though I was too hospital stoned to remember the details. I might have eaten the napkin too.

There are very thoughtful people in this world and I’m blessed to have been in their care.

Not that my hyperactive bladder will ever cooperate.

Joe McAdory is editorial page editor for the Opelika-Auburn News. He can be reached at 737-2549 or jmcadory@oanow.com