Mary Belk: Lawsuits today have turned ridiculous

I was leaving the grocery store the other day carrying more plastic bags than I could handle comfortably. The automatic door opened and I got about halfway out when it slammed shut, bashing my arm.

It occurred to me that if I were a different kind of person I might try to sue. And I mentally patted myself on the back for being such a noble human being.

But as my arm throbbed, I caught myself thinking about lawsuits and some of the ridiculous court cases people have actually won.

One that came to mind was the man who tried to climb a fence with his power lawn mower. Seems the mower was going full-blast at the time, and the man cut off some of his toes.

He was outraged and sued Sears & Roebuck because they hadn’t issued warning that you shouldn’t climb a fence with the mower turned on. Makes me want to shout, “Get real, fella!” But he won the case.

And there was the couple whose child was injured swallowing an open safety pin. They sued the manufacturer for not cautioning that swallowing an open safety pin can be hazardous to your health. Yep, they won too.

Of course, we all remember the woman who sued McDonald’s because the coffee they served her was too hot. She spilled some of the scalding brew on herself, got burned and went to court. She won thousands of dollars.

Closer to home is the Famous Doggie-Poop Case that was tried in Columbiana, Ala. Clara Kizer’s neighbors complained that she led her dogs to their property to relieve themselves. Mrs. Kizer’s attorney-husband sued the neighbors saying it was the dogs’ right to choose any spot they wished as a waste deposit station.

For more than two years, the case went back and forth between the Alabama Supreme Court and the circuit court. Finally, the jury decided to award $90,000 to the neighbors whose yards were wrongly and maliciously fertilized.

Such stupifyingly inane cases not only waste valuable court time and money, they’re also causing Americans to lose respect for lawyers. I read that the town of Monroeville has erected a memorial in honor of Atticus Finch, the lawyer in Harper Lee’s novel To Kill a Mockingbird. Atticus, they say, exemplifies what a lawyer should be — honest, courageous and dedicated.

But we don’t have to look to fiction to find a good lawyer. I know plenty of hard working, honest attorneys. And it’s a pity that a few rotten apples are spoiling the reputation of the whole profession.

Charles Lamb said, “Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.” Maybe some of them never grew up.

But it’s more likely that it has something to do with the love of money. Pure greed is driving lawyers and their clients to court.

I’m left shaking my head, grinding my teeth and muttering, “Shame, shame, shame!”

Mary Belk lives in Auburn and writes a column for the Opelika-Auburn News.