Bob Mount: Trading house calls with the good doctor

Geezer Bob Sanders in his column last Saturday was poking fun at fellow Geezer Dr. Whoopee Meeks, our world-renowned expert prostratologist. As CEO of the Geezers, I feel obligated to a recent episode involving Dr. Whoopee.

I called him on a Saturday, a few weeks ago, and knowing he was an expert not only in male reproductive anatomy but also in household plumbing, I told him I had a commode in need of repair and asked if he would consider helping a friend in need.

He replied, “Right now I’m watching NASCAR races, and as you know I don’t make house calls.”

I assume his conscious got the best of him because the next day he came out with his able assistant, Warren Fuller, and repaired the commode. I owe him a free house call to remove an unwanted serpentine visitor from his premises in the event one shows up.

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Some psychologists contend that spanking a child for misbehaving makes him or her more prone to commit acts of violence later in life. I disagree. I received quite a few spankings in my youth, at school and at home administered by my father, who loved me as much as any father could ever love a son. I deserved every spanking I ever got, except one.

At about age six or seven, some of my buddies had BB-guns, but Daddy refused to allow me to have one. He said, “I’ve seen too many eyes put out by BB’s. When you’re 10, I’ll buy you a .22 rifle.”

On my tenth birthday I became the proud owner of a Winchester bolt-action .22 rifle. Daddy told me, “Son, don’t ever shoot a red bird, a blue bird or a mocking bird.” We lived in the country and I became “Dead-eye Dick” with that rifle. Among the birds inhabiting our premises were loggerhead shrikes, which superficially resemble mocking birds. Most locals called them “French mocking birds.”

One afternoon I shot one of the birds. It was flapping around in the yard when, coincidentally, Daddy arrived from work and saw the wounded bird. He exited his car, headed in my direction, and began to loosen his belt.

“Son, I told you not to shoot a mocking bird.”

I explained, “Daddy, that’s not an American mocking bird, it’s a French mocking bird.”

“I don’t care what nationality it is, it’s still a mocking bird,” he said while he was belting my backside.

The numerous spankings I got as a youngster did not cause me to engage in violent behavior later on, but they may have taught me to respect my elders and those in authority, a trait that has been immensely beneficial throughout my adult life.

And yes, I spanked my children. Robert Jr. had difficulty obeying my rules and received numerous spankings. I only spanked Mary once, for having a tantrum and breaking her bedroom window.

Bob Mount is emeritus professor of zoology and entomology at Auburn University and writes a weekly column for the Opelika-Auburn News.