The Negative Reinforcement Trap

The Negative Reinforcement Trap - O-A News Blog 7-13-09

All of us are reared with a “code of behavior.” Some of us also have strong wills and are somewhat resistant to a code of behavior that prevents us from doing what we want to do.
Generally speaking, our behavior is shaped by parents and others in our environment, as well as by our experiences of the world as we have come to know it. Development is a life-long process. As parents we need to understand the capabilities of our children at their various stages of development. We can’t force children to develop at a faster pace than is possible for them.

As children negotiate the various stages of development, they assimilate information from the world around them and integrate it into what has already been learned. If we think in terms of adding to a “life tapestry,” new stitches, colors and patterns are added to the background or “history” that is already there. What emerges is a unique representation of the tapestry maker at any given time. It is a work in progress and a work that cannot be hurried.

Adults have difficulty in knowing how to respond to a child at the child’s level of understanding. An example I will point out is the two year old child who wants to do everything “myself” and says NO to anything suggested. Two year olds are obviously not equipped to be in charge of themselves, so what is a parent to do? When distractions and redirection don’t seem to work, sometimes the only thing a parent can do is take action by removing the child from the situation that is causing trouble. A tantrum may ensue, but will probably be short-lived. The strong-willed child will persist. The important part for the parent is to contain their own emotions. Yelling, threats, and punishment usually prolong an already unpleasant circumstance. When too much attention is given to even a undesirable behavior, it tends to be reinforced.

Dr. Harvey Karp, author of “The Happiest Toddler on the Block,” notes that a toddler has not yet developed the thinking skills needed to problem solve. Therefore, he functions in a emotion-driven, instinctual way to get what is wanted. Dr. Karp quips that modern parenting techniques are meaningless to the “Neanderthal” in the crib. While it is true that brain development is a process in progress in young children, parents need to remember that the total self of the child is also developing and much emotional damage can be done by ongoing coercive exchanges between parent and child. A young child is most vulnerable when he continues to whine and cry and the parent becomes provoked to the point of anger. The coercive exchange, if not exited, has the potential for loss of control.
Parents are bigger and stronger than children and are capable of forcibly stopping the unwanted behavior, but what is the child learning? How to be a bully? How to be a victim?

As a therapist, I see parents give up when they become frustrated. One of the things I most wish I could teach is how to hold a firm line while maintaining nurturance. This is more true with teenagers than with any other age child. When parents and children get into power struggles that escalate into a negative cycle, it is difficult, then, for the parent to want to be nurturing. Calling names, yelling threats and hitting is not going to get the wanted result, but will rather reinforce the negative behavior cycle.

Dr. Rex Forehand and Dr. Robert McMahon, authors of “Helping the Noncompliant Child” give examples of how coercive cycles reinforce negative behavior.

Response #1:

Parent gives command…..Child non-complies, yells, whines….Parent raises voice
                                                                    Parent repeats command

Response #2:

Child yells louder….. Parent yells………………..Child complies
Kicks chair           Parent repeats command

The cycle is negatively reinforced and will repeat,  with the ante being raised each time it is repeated. Parent and child have trained each other’s responses.

By responding to feelings rather than content, a parent is able to convey to a child that they are being heard. It’s 5 P.M. and Mom is cooking dinner. A two year old wants a cookie. Instead of saying “No. No cookie before supper.” Mom might say in a soothing voice, “I know you want a cookie now. I’m sorry.” Though Mom will not give the child a cookie, she has shown empathy for the child’s feelings without giving into the child’s demands.

Unwanted behaviors are also unintentionally positively reinforced. We will save comments on this for a future article.