Gene pool monitor

By Jennifer J. Foster

Published: July 11, 2008

Today I bring you the first installment of what (I’m afraid) will become a regular series: Candidates for ejection from the gene pool. We’ll be back after a message from our sponsor.

(Commercial break)

This feature is brought to you by Darwin’s Theory of Evolution, which holds that through natural selection, the inferior members of a species gradually die out and leave only the superior members of the species to reproduce. Natural selection: Building a better world for you—through attrition.

(End of commercial break)

We’re back. Our initial nominee is Skylar Stone, your run-of-the-mill moron with a California driver’s license (we’re sure of the California part; we’re taking a leap of faith on the driver’s license part).

Well, Skylar decided that he would protest California’s new law banning the use of handheld cell phones while driving by getting a Bluetooth device, getting in his car and proceeding to do all manner of other things—take notes, eat, shave, type on his laptop, clean his windows, do something strange with a drill—WHILE DRIVING WITH HIS KNEES.

Watch the video, which isn’t going to win any documentary awards, here.

Yes, I know he was trying to be funny. And I’m sure he’ll find my analysis of his comedy just as hilarious as I found his video!

Skylar’s point is a valid one: California lawmakers banned the handheld use of cell phones, but they didn’t specifically ban all these other things he did.

But the nature of his stunt – which clearly shows him running a stop sign, blowing through a red light, running over a curb and cutting off another driver (although she was complicit in the “presentation”) – overshadows his point, whatever it may be.

It is one thing to risk your own life for the sake of argument; however ill-advised, it’s your life, so it’s your decision. But there’s another word for what your protest becomes when your actions endanger others: Illegal.

It’s anyone’s guess how many other drivers, parked cars and pedestrians our friend Skylar here passed during his stupid stunt, even though Skylar says he and his pals stayed in his neighborhood and tried to make sure no one was around (safety first, you know).

Skylar says legislators erred by focusing solely on cell phones to the exclusion of all the other things he did.

But as it turns out, a lawyer he is not. 

According to Section 23103 of California’s vehicle code:

(a)  A person who drives a vehicle upon a highway in willful or wanton disregard for the safety of persons or property is guilty of reckless driving.

“Willful or wanton disregard for the safety of persons or property?”

Hey, hey, hey … that sounds like our guy Skylar!

Yes, I’m quite sure that brushing one’s teeth and SHARPENING A KNIFE (2:26) while driving meet that definition.

And this nice lawyer fellow, FORMER ORANGE COUNTY DEPUTY DISTRICT ATTORNEY MR. EDWARD WELBOURN, helpfully interjects: “‘Highway’ doesn’t mean just the freeways. It includes any public streets.“

In other words, whether in the neighborhood or careening (or crawling) down the 405, the statute still applies to our buddy Skylar.

So, what do we have for our winner, Johnny?

That would be five to 90 days in the luxurious accommodations of one of California’s fine county correctional facilities, a fine of $145 to $1,000 – or both, according to subsection (c)!

But that’s not all! FORMER ORANGE COUNTY DEPUTY DISTRICT ATTORNEY MR. EDWARD WELBOURN adds:

Keep in mind that a conviction for reckless driving will affect your driving records because it adds two points to your driving record.

If there’s any justice in the world, Skylar will spend a few days sulking in, and protesting the cell phone ban from, a stuffy slammer somewhere in the Golden State.

After all, the DA has everything he needs to score a conviction, and that brings us to Skylar’s final accomplishment that earned him this nomination: He had a friend videotape for posterity (and their independent film company! SHAMELESS PLUG!) all the illegal things he was doing behind the wheel!

So, I have just one thing to say to him:

YOU!! Skylar Stone!

Out of the gene pool!!