How to party with the pros

By Jennifer J. Foster

Published: June 15, 2009

The Los Angeles Lakers won the franchise’s 15th NBA title last night.

To celebrate, unruly Lakers fans participated in a curious but pervasive victory ritual, the performance of which is repeated upon the attainment of all other professional sports titles in America (with the notable, and ironic, exception of NASCAR).

So, to honor the Lakers’ historic achievement, I have compiled this step-by-step list, which details how you, too, can partake in similar special occasions:

1. Cheer team on to title throughout title series.

2. Upon triumph in Game 4, join with other like-minded, similarly intoxicated individuals who may or may not also be fans of your team. If no suitable fans are available, disaffected teens in the area will do.

3. Set fires, destroy stuff and engage in random, inexplicable acts of vandalism and social unrest. Also, if possible, overturn a police cruiser or two.

4. Continue title celebration at county lockup. Ebulliently invite judge at first appearance to join the party.

5. Depending on your success with No. 3, continue title celebration with either: Grumpy traffic violators, litterers and assorted casual drug users during four to eight early-Saturday-morning roadside trash cleanups; or—Junkies and/or prostitutes and/or second- and third-time drug offenders as the guest of your county for 10 or so days. Discuss strengths of team and next year’s prospects over corn meal, ham sandwiches and hot dogs, or whatever else the county serves in the gourmet buffet line.

6. Fondly recollect steps 1 through 5 when reminded of the police record on your job applications for years to come. Share with prospective employer that your record, while it might, on first glance, indicate a problem, actually demonstrates the extent to which you will be an effective, sold-out member of HIS team.

Yeah. Go Lakers.