I got a 12—on one hole!

By Chris Sweigart

Someone recently informed me her golf handicap was a 4. My golf handicap is my entire game. Frustration increases with each passing round. Even Jennifer Foster, a reporter here, could whip me blindfolded—and she’s big-time pregnant. Heard she shot a 42 on the back nine the other day.
I shot a 12.
On the last hole.
Really.
Jennifer texted me, proud of her feat on the links somewhere down in Florida. It inspired me. If a pregnant woman can break 90, I can break 100, right?
Almost.
Through 17 holes at Auburn Links, my scorecard revealed a 92. I took more mulligans than golf balls have dimples, but I don’t care. I paid to play, so I’m gonna do it my way. Bad karma caught up with me on No. 18.
Needing only a 7 to break 100, my tee shot was a thing of beauty—a towering drive that came to rest only 15 yards short of a large gully. It was my best shot of the day. Roughly 120 yards shy of the hole, I grabbed my trusty 8 iron from the bag. I’m great with that club. The shot felt great. The ball lofted high and had the look of a keeper. Almost was. Shoulda been.
The ball bounced at the front of the green, then rolled backward—into the sand trap.
Not bad. Two shots and I’m at the edge of the green. So I’m in the sand, big deal.
Originally from Daytona Beach, you’d think sand flowed through my blood. Not this sand. It was the trap from hell. Once you get in, you never get out. Hack one. Hack two. Hack three. Hack four. Cuss word. Hack five. Bad cuss word. And on and on.
In a matter of two minutes, my promising hole and best-ever round except for my rampant cheating, was gone.
Violently angry, I threw my clubs in the bag, jumped into the golf cart and raced back to the clubhouse. Just another relaxing day at the golf course.

Electricity is America’s top invention

By Chris Sweigart

We Americans are pretty innovative. We’re always coming up with new things. In today’s blog, I list our nation’s top-five inventions/discoveries.
1. Electricity—So what if Ben Franklin flew his darn kite before the Revolution. He was a patriot, a real American, so he qualifies. Without electricity, many of the luxuries we have come to enjoy would not exist. When the power cuts out, our lives are on hold.
2. Automobile—Driving around town in an automobile sure beats the old horse and buggy routine. How different would our lives be if automobiles were never invented? Then there would be no NASCAR, and life as I know it would cease to exist.
3. Telecommunications—I’ve got to include the telephone and Internet here. We can communicate with practically anyone anywhere. Plus, the Internet gives us the world at our fingertips.
4. Television—Can’t say it’s the most important discovery, but we Americans sure have gotten addicted to it. We use televisions for entertainment and information and have become essential parts of our daily lives.
5. Aeronautics—I would say “flight,“ but aeronautics sounds cooler. What Orville and Wilbur did on that North Carolina beach eventually took us to the moon and across the globe. Thanks to them, we can be in Europe in several hours and maybe one day to Mars.
Next week’s top five list: Most influential Americans not to become president.

Singin’ in the John with the Prez

By Chris Sweigart

This week’s archived column comes from summer of 2005. I still wonder if that was President Bush in the bathroom at Daytona.

I think I shared the bathroom with President Bush. I don’t know for sure, but I’ve often wondered.
President Bush was at the 2004 Daytona 500. So was I.
President Bush was in the press box that day. So was I.
Surely, President Bush had to go to the bathroom at some point. So did I.
Did our paths cross in the men’s room inside Daytona International Speedway’s press box during a mid-race caution period? Was that the president’s black shoes dangling from the toilet in the stall? If so, was he OK?
Who were those men in sunglasses and earpieces standing outside the bathroom? Why did they give me dirty looks when I walked out the door? Surely, real Secret Service agents wouldn’t let anyone else inside, right?
And why on earth did it take me five minutes after the fact for my lame brain to register—to even entertain the possibility—that I may have shared the men’s room with our Commander-in-Chief, the world’s most powerful man other than Bill Gates, and the leader of the free world?
What would you do if you really were in the bathroom with the president, current or future? Do you strike up a conversation? If so, what do you say? Do you offer an extra roll of toilet paper? Do you shake his hand afterward and risk catching presidential bacteria? Do you not say anything at all and forever go through life wondering where the conversation would have gone if initiated? Do you ask him if he’s dropped any bombs lately? Do you strike up a song and see if he’ll join in?
Less than an hour later, Air Force One zoomed into the sky and took the president with it. I was left not knowing who the person in the bathroom really was.
Two weeks ago, I stood outside the White House gates shortly before midnight. I’d never been there, so I thought it was pretty cool. A few lights were still on inside. I wondered if the president was watching Leno, or maybe SportsCenter.
I wondered why the front of the White House seemingly had so little security. I was reminded that I’d probably been walking through an infrared zone for the last 50 yards and that I’d been on camera for some time. Should I wave? Yeah, that’s it. All I need is an FBI file. Moments later, I left.
President Bush probably peered out the window that night and gave a puzzled look. The First Lady came over to his window and asked, “what’s wrong, honey?” “I’m not sure, but I think I shared the bathroom at the race track in Daytona with that freak outside. It was awful. He was singing the Laverne and Shirley jingle and now I can’t get it out of my mind.
‘Give us any chance we’ll take it. Leave us any rule we’ll break it. We’re gonna make our dreams come true, doin’ it our way.’”
“George, please stop.”
“No, I can’t.”
“Nothing’s gonna turn us back now (snapping his fingers and tapping his toes). Straight ahead and on a track now. We’re gonna make our dreams come true. Doin’ it our way.
“Hey, I think we’re on to something …
“There’s nothing we won’t try. Never heard the word impossible. This time there’s no stopping us. We’re gonna do it. On your marks, get set and go now. Got a dream and we just know now. We’re gonna make our dreams come true.”
“Yes, that’s it. Call in the speech writer. I’ll use this in my upcoming address. That’s right, America, we’re going to make our dreams come true. At least that’s what I’ll tell them.
“Laura, let’s go thank that guy. No wait, he’s gone.”
President Bush will forever wonder if he shared the bathroom at Daytona with Joe McAdory. And if you’ve got the Laverne and Shirley song stuck in your head for the rest of the day, I’m sorry.

Joe McAdory is editorial page editor for the Opelika-Auburn News. He can be reached at 737-2549 or

Junior gives himself best chance to win

By Chris Sweigart

I’m proud of Dale Earnhardt Jr. Sure, he’s the most popular driver in NASCAR, and brings home the sport’s largest paycheck. But I’ve seen him grow over the years from a young dude just looking to have some fun (who doesn’t?), to a man truly wanting to make a mark for himself not by his namesake, but rather his ability.
He doesn’t want to go down in history just being Dale Earnhardt Jr. He wants to go down in history as a champion race car driver. He’s willing to jump from his father’s massive shadow to be his own man. Granted, he can remain secure in the security blanket his father’s shadow will always offer, but his desire to prove to the world that he can drive a race car because of skill rather than last name shows a boldness and bravery. I respect that.
In his current situation with DEI, Junior isn’t given the chance to compete with the best. Frankly, DEI isn’t in the same league with Hendrick, Roush or Gibbs. By signing with Hendrick Motorsports, Junior has given himself the best chance to be successful and race for championships. If he fails driving for the best organization in the business, he has no one to blame but himself. You’ve got to applaud him for taking that chance.
Another question Wednesday revolves around Budweiser, Junior’s sponsor since entering the big leagues in 2000. Will Bud go with him? If the beer company does not follow Earnhardt, I believe that’s a larger story than Junior’s swap to Hendrick. The red Budweiser car is Junior’s brand. When we think of Junior, we think of that car. Anything else is unimaginable. Driving for Hendrick in a red Budweiser car is easy to see. Driving for Hendrick in a Kellogg’s car isn’t. More than likely Junior will drive the No. 5 Budweiser car next season. Maybe Kellogg’s will follow Kyle Busch to DEI. Remember, Kellogg’s has had a long association with Hendrick since the days of Terry Labonte.
These days, drivers aren’t necessarily known by what teams they drive for. Instead, they’re known by what industry’s colors adorn the sides of their automobiles. Which brings about the question, who really is really a driver’s puppet master – his sponsor or car owner?
One thing that’s clear, Junior cares less. He just wants to win, just like his father and grandfather. Dale Sr. left Bud Moore to give himself a better chance to win with RCR. His son’s move was no different.

Senate smackdown

By Chris Sweigart

I don’t get it. If I walk up to Sen. Lowell Barron, D-Fyffe, and punch the dude in the face I’d probably be arrested and charged with assault. But Sen. Charles Bishop, R-Jasper, can punch his colleague in the face and get away with it. Bishop smacked Barron on the Senate floor last week—a blow that was captured on video and shown across the nation.
Again, Alabama has reason for embarrassment. Thanks guys.
Bishop claims Barron called him an S.O.B. and did the noble thing by defending his mother’s honor. How chivalrous. Now both look hideous.
Barron should press charges. Assault is a crime. If he does not press charges, then he is sending the message that assault is ok. Maybe he’s just saying assault between senators is ok. I don’t suppose I’ll smack Barron anytime soon, even if he does call me an S.O.B. I’m not in the Senate and I don’t want to serve time.
The next time state senators want to fight, let’s get fight promoter Don King involved. We can make it a Pay-per-view, or at least have it televised live on Alabama Public Television. We’ll call it the Statehouse Smackdown. Who needs Wrestlmania?
Barron. Bishop. This time ... it’s war.