Ties are hazardous to my health, appearance

By Joe McAdory

Published: October 26, 2009

I strongly dislike wearing ties. I have some nice ones. Black and grey. Orange and black. Blue. Red. Looney Tunes, etc.

But I can’t stand the feeling of these decorative neck pieces flopping on my chest all day. They serve no real purpose other than some symbol that supposedly cries “hey, I look nice.“ Fine. Look nice with an $8 tie from an inexpensive, giant retailer. Wow. I’m impressed.

But here I am, with my tie, looking what some people believe is nice. I can look dang nice in an $80 golf shirt too. I feel stuffy, impersonal in a tie. Without one in a nice button down shirt I feel much looser and actually feel like I look more attractive not that it really matters at my oppressive age.

Ties bother me. They get in the way. When I put my seat belt on, the belt wraps over the tie and make me feel even more restricted than I was before. If I pull the tie out over the belt, then it eventually gets caught in the seat belt when I put the car in park and take the belt off. Great, I might hang myself in my Ford, trying to untie this cloth contraption decorated with Speedy Gonzalez.

I look ridiculous too. I’m not a professional tie-putter-onner. It takes about 20 minutes of my morning just to finally get the multi-colored handkerchief thing around my neck. Of course it’s not done right. The big side hangs one way, the smaller underside flops the other way and I look like Colonel Sanders. Yeah. But I look nice, right?

Ever get a tie caught in a power vaccuum when trying to clean out your car? Their hazardous too. I believe if I keep wearing ties they will one day kill me. Colonel Sanders wore a tie and he’s dead. See.

Set me free. Please set me free.