A Time and a Place for Us

A Time and a Place for Us

Raising a family is a demanding job. As parents, we sometimes feel guilty for wishing we had some time to ourselves. The truth is we are better parents when we manage to carve out some grown-up time for us.

You are probably thinking, “Oh sure, I’ll have my time between the 2 A.M. and the
6 A.M. feeding!” Certainly, when our children are very young, our time is pretty much consumed. As baby begins to sleep longer between feedings, however, we can begin to help him adjust to a schedule that is fairly consistent.

Self-care is not something to feel guilty about, it is something that is essential to being on top of your game as a parent. As parents you will need to take the time to work out a schedule that works for each of you. Coordinating the tasks makes the 1001 things that must be done more manageable.

When our children were babies, my husband took the 6 A.M. feeding. Not only did this allow me to sleep a little longer, I awoke to the aroma of a freshly brewed cup of coffee and a nice back rub. What a nice way to wake up! In the evening, while I prepared the family dinner, he fed the baby and then gave him a bath. Following dinner, I took care of bath time with our older child while my husband cleaned the kitchen. We took turns doing the bedtime story and we both did the final “tuck in” and prayers.

The routine we worked out gave us a couple of hours to unwind and catch up with each other. This time was often interrupted by the need to care for a sick child or one who saw things on the wall in the dark. It was a sure thing that frequently one of us would be up in the night to check a temperature, give a dose of medicine or to offer comfort. Sometimes it was a matter of one of us turning to the other and saying “Honey, can you go this time?”

One of the best ways I know of to teach your children about relationships is to let them see you, their parents, being caring and considerate toward each other.  Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting, A Revolutionary and Rapid Program for Staying Together, notes the importance of parents maintaining time for themselves.

“If you think about it objectively for a moment, when you are burned
out your cannot really be available to your children. You have nothing
left to give. Furthermore, since you know that children learn by example,
if you take charge of your life and feel good about yourself, you are setting
an example for your children to follow in their own lives. If instead, you
continually make sacrifices to spend time with your children, you are
bound to feel resentment, which will be reflected in your interactions with
them. Taking even a small breather can go a long way toward restoring a
positive outlook or peace of mind.” (Weiner-Davis, 1992, pp. 195-196).

If you and your spouse are feeling that you have lost the “spark” that used to keep your relationship alive, take a little time each week to do some “couple” things that you used to enjoy doing together. Your time together is a valuable resource, so make it special. Linda Metcalf, Ph.D. in her book, Parenting Toward Solutions: How Parents Can Use Skills They Already Have to Raise Responsible, Loving Kids, makes some suggestions for
getting back in touch with each other:

1. Go back in time with each other to what first attracted you to each other.
          Talk about how you felt when you were together.

2. Write down the activities you enjoyed doing together and what made those
            activities enjoyable to you as a couple.

3. Ask your partner what you did more of in your early relationship that made
          him or her feel respected, loved and valued.

4. Talk about how you could repeat some of the memorable things you did
          together on a smaller scale.

5. Talk about how you schedule things that are important. Then talk about
          scheduling in time for the two of you.

6. Write down what each of you can do to make this time together a reality.

7. On a scale of 1 to 10,  (1 no couplehood, 10 total couplehood) plot where
          you would like to see yourself in the next week.

8. What are your current beliefs and expectations about your partner?

9. What might happen if you changed your beliefs and expectations just
          slightly during the next week?

When we are honest, we will realize that we cannot change the other person, but we can make adjustments in what we expect from them.

Over the next few years, your child will learn how to crawl, walk, talk, ride a trike, ride a bike, read, and drive just to name a few of the more prominent events. Just as your child is evolving from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, your relationship as a couple should evolve, as well. By keeping your relationship alive, the “empty nest” won’t be something to dread, but a time for exploring the future together as a couple.