Listening With Love

Listening With Love

Several years ago during “coffee hour” at our church, I observed a number of young children milling around among the adults. I noticed that a number of the children were about knee-high and I mused at what it must be like to wander around in a world of kneecaps. The adults were engaged in conversation and occasionally one of the youngsters would pull on a parent’s dress or pants to get their attention. In watching, I thought about how often, as a parent, I became so preoccupied that I failed to really listen to my children.

Our children need to know that they are worthy of our time. One of the best ways we can let them know this is by being present in the moment. What does being present in the moment mean? It means that our attention is focused on the now. To be present to another means that we are giving our attention to their needs. In being present the listener is attempting to see through the eyes of the other and listening with the ear of the heart. Being present means the welfare of the other person takes priority for the moment.

Have you ever been excited about something that happened to you and anxious to tell someone about it and did not get the response you were hoping to get? It puts a damper on your excitement pretty quickly, doesn’t it? True, we are not always going to be able to shift our attention at the very moment that the other person needs it. We can, however, address the fact that the person wants to share something with us and that we want to listen.

When a child wants to talk with you and you are up to your ears in things you have to get done, try taking just a moment to get yourself at eye level with the child and say something such as “I can tell you have something you really want to tell me and I really want to hear it. Can you give me a minute or two to finish (whatever it is you are doing) and then we will talk, o.k.? By letting the child know you want to hear what he has to say, you have not given him the brush off, you have just waylaid the conversation. It is important that you follow through with what you said you would do and find a minute or two to hear what it is the child needs to say.

Older children get very frustrated with parents when they tell them they understand, but yet they haven’t heard what it is like from the child’s perspective. We, as parents, are quick to tell our children how things were when we were growing up. That is one of the quickest ways I know to shut communication down with a teen or preteen. It is like hearing what it was like to go through adolescence in the “Dark Ages.”

Some suggestions on how to be a caring listener are these:  1) Acknowledge what you are hearing by encouraging the child to tell you more; 2) Listen for the feeling that is behind the words 3) Reflect the feeling, giving it a name; 4) Give the child their wish through fantasy.

I remember a conversation I had with a six year old boy that serves as an example. He and I had gone though a series of activities so that I would have an idea of how developmentally on task he was. I said “Boy, you sure know your shapes and colors!” He replied, “I do. I can draw a dog, too.” I responded, “I’d like to see that!” He proceeded to draw a dog for me and to tell me about his pet. I said, “You must have lots of fun with your dog.” I asked if he had any other pets. His answer was “I have a horse. I ride him to school every day.” My response was “Wouldn’t it be fun to ride a horse to school instead of the school bus? It‘s fun to pretend, isn‘t it?” I entered into his fantasy, but separated real from fantasy in my response.

The following are two different ways of dialoguing with a child who has lost the second jacket of the school year:

Johnny: “Mom, somebody ripped off my new jacket today.”
Mom:  “What? That is the second jacket I’ve bought in the last month!
                  What am I going to have to do to get your to keep up with your
                  things? Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know!”
Johnny:  “Mom, I didn’t do anything but go to the lunchroom!”
Mom:    “I’ve told you a thousand times to put your jacket in your locker! You
                    just won‘t listen to me!”

Or it could go this way:

Johnny: “Mom, somebody ripped off my new jacket today.”
Mom:    Listens to Johnny’s explanation of how the jacket was stolen,
                  paying attention to his feelings. (He is upset and worried about
                  being in trouble).
  Mom responds by saying “I wonder what you need to do? Is there
                  a lost and found?
Johnny:  “Yes; I can go to the office in the morning and ask if I can look in
  the lost and found box. What if its not there?”
Mom:    “I think you will have to decide what you will do to keep up with
                  your jacket. What do you think that will be?”  (Johnny already knows
                  that the jacket should have been left in his locker. Since he tends to
                  lose things, a consequence might be that he has to give some of his
                  allowance each week to pay for another jacket).

The second dialogue is not accusing or blaming. It is helpful to finding a solution and to teaching responsibility.

Listening with love means that we value the other person’s point of view and that we value them as a person. It means that I am listening to more than your words, that I
care for you to the depth of your being.