Committment - Part 2

When we are committed to something, don’t we first need to have a clear sense of what outcome we are working toward? Most of us are “methodists,” meaning that we have our methods or ways of doing things. Generally speaking, we figure out what works and stick to that formula. The thing about parenting, however, is that what works for one child may not work for another….and what worked today may not work tomorrow.

In raising children, flexibility is extremely important. Does being flexible mean waffling?
No; it means that we are willing to look at other ways of approaching a problem. If we think of a route to get from here to Birmingham, there are a number of different ways we can go. When it comes to resolving issues with our children, we may just need to try a different route to get the desired outcome.

Being a committed parent means, as Coach Vince Lombardi used to say, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” We can’t throw up our hands in frustration and give up, and we can’t give in once we have set limits. I see many battle-weary parents of teens who are ready to throw in the towel. Some prefer to bury their heads in the sand rather than meet the challenges their child is presenting. Instead of acquiescing or taking an “I’ll just pretend it’s not happening” attitude, perhaps what is needed is a more proactive , solution-focused methodology.

Dr. Ross Greene is on the faculty of Harvard Medical School. In his book, “The Explosive Child,” Dr. Greene suggests to parents that when they think of rules, they think of two baskets. Basket A has few rules and contains a set of values that are constants for the family. A child needs to first understand what is acceptable before he can be held accountable to the rules. Basket B contains rules that are more time-limited and address here and now situations. The items in this basket have a lot of flexibility. The items in Basket A are established by parents.

The items in Basket B are decided on between parent and child. Parents are at the top of the family hierarchy and have the last say, but remain open to discussion of possible alternatives regarding Basket B items. When children feel heard, it is less likely that they will continue to challenge parental authority.

By taking the high road and looking at possible problem areas before a problem occurs,
many meltdowns (both parent and child) can be avoided. Being proactive means having a plan “A” and a plan “B” in case “A” won’t work.

We, as parents, also need to remember to “look under the words” we are hearing from our children. By listening carefully to the child’s perceptions of an issue rather than focusing on content or the words we are hearing, we are zeroing in on the heart of the matter. When we are able to do this, he message that comes across loud and clear to our children is: “I love you. I am trying to understand, I am here for you, and I will never, ever give up on you.” Being committed as a parent means first I will teach you by example, then I will hold you accountable for your actions.