Understanding Misbehavior

Understanding Misbehavior

Does your child’s behavior sometimes make you question your abilities as a parent? If so, you are pretty normal. The truth is that there are no perfect kids and no perfect parents. It is how we interpret our children’s behavior and whether we respond appropriately that is important.

Our children give us hints at what is behind certain behaviors, but because we are not mind readers and because children, most of the time, have difficulty putting feelings into words, we have to become good “guessers.” We have to learn to decipher the “behavior
code.”

Getting at the root of the problem involves a little investigation. How much do you know, for instance, about your child’s belief system? Have you just assumed that he thinks about things the same way you do? Choices all of us make are related to our beliefs, which are related to our need to feel significant, valued and loved.

I can’t emphasize enough the importance of making yourself available to your children. All of us need to feel unconditionally accepted…to feel that we “belong” to someone who wants us. We’ve all experienced what it is like to be chosen last for a team or game. Sometimes the only reason we are chosen is because no one else is left. When a child doesn’t feel that he “belongs” to his family, it is that same kind of feeling, but it cuts a lot deeper.

Communicating to a child that he is loved and accepted “no matter what” fills the need he has to belong. When a child does not feel that he belongs, he will likely (unconsciously) seek out what he needs through various behavior tactics. Nelsen, Erwin, and Delzer (1994) in “Positive Discipline for Single Parents,” offers four mistaken goals of misbehavior:

1) Undue attention: “I belong only when you notice me.”
2) Power: “I belong only when I am in charge of what happens.”
3) Revenge: “I feel hurt and can only find belonging by hurting back.”
4) Assumed disability: “I don’t believe I can belong; so I just want to give up.”

Children, in attempting to get what they need, use a code language. To pick up on clues about what may be underlying a child’s behavior, as parent, you need to examine your own feelings and reactions. If you are feeling annoyed or irritated because your child has not done what you asked him to do and you do it for him, the child might stop the behavior temporarily, but start it again later. Or, he may change to a different attention-seeking behavior. The child’s goal is to seek approval. Instead of reinforcing the undesired behavior, ignoring, redirecting or using natural consequences for the unwanted behavior may be tried. Another time can be chosen to have a discussion with the child about why he was behaving in that way, to spend special time with the child, or to give positive attention in some meaningful way. Consistency is key to changing patterns of behavior. If you find yourself feeling angry, and constantly challenged by your child, your likely response is “I’m not letting you get away with that!” Which leads to your child upping the ante and a power struggle ensues and escalates to highly charged emotions that end in shouting, name calling, threats, etc. When you recognize that you have allowed yourself to be pulled into a power struggle, it is important that you exit the cycle as soon as possible. The fact that your child has been able to get you worked up says volumes…namely that he has way too much power. He has a need to prove that no one can boss him. Exit the conflict and get calmed down. Be firm, but kind. Set reasonable limits. Plan a family meeting for later when everyone is calm to discuss family decision-making. Next week we will continue on the topic of “Understanding Misbehavior,” looking at “commitment” in the role of parent.