Bob Mount: Stay away from those pesky coachwhips

Is the climate changing and the weather becoming increasingly unpredictable? I am convinced it is, and I suspect most weather watchers my age (77) or older share my belief. Are many forest-dwelling songbirds, lizards and terrestrial snakes declining? They are, without a doubt.

Six-lined racerunners (sand streaks), and fence lizards (rusty bucks), once abundant, are now rather rare. Eastern king snakes, corn snakes, green snakes and coachwhips have declined precipitously. Some who believe the old wives’ tale about coachwhips might be relieved. The tale is that coachwhips will chase a person, trip him up and administer a severe whipping. The victim must lie perfectly still and hold his breath, because the snake will insert its tail into the victim’s nostril, and if breathing is detected, the whipping will continue.

The only terrestrial snakes I see now on a regular basis are black racers and gray rat snakes. Just the other day the termite inspector called Janie to tell her there was a large rat snake in the basement. She replied, “Leave it alone; it’s probably doing us a favor.”

The decline of song birds, many snakes and lizards, and the value of my portfolio; the threats posed by would-be terrorists and overpopulation; increasing costs of health care; the degradation of the environment; pollution of our air waves by vulgarians; and the prevalence of criminal activity by dope-heads and sex perverts depress me. I’ll change the subject.

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A year or so ago, the Order of the Geezers held a “Liars’ Contest.” Geezer Merrell Jones won hands down by stating that his house had dirt floors, he bathed in a No. 10 washtub and that, in his youth, he was punished only once for “singing too loud in church.”

At the most recent meeting, the following motion was submitted by Henry Stern. “I move that Geezer Jones by required to relinquish his title and that it be awarded to Geezer Bob Mount. Mount wrote that some lady considered him the handsomest man in Lee County. That has to be a bigger lie than even Jones could come up with.”

Mount moved that the motion be tabled, stating, “Let the record show that I am considered as truthful as George Washington.” The motion was tabled with only one dissenting vote.
My ego was boosted by the lady’s assessment. The last time I felt like strutting like a duck was in Valdosta, Ga.

Dan Speake, Husky Kirkwood, I and several of my students were attending a meeting, and after the first session our group went to a nightclub. At a nearby table an attractive young woman was sitting with friends. After a while she approached our table, looked directly at me and asked, “Would you do me a favor and dance with me?” “I’d be glad to,” I replied.

After a few numbers, I escorted her back to her table, and returned to my own, grinning like a jackass eating briers. Several years later, I learned that one of my students had paid the girl to ask me for the “favor.” I wish I had never been told.

Bob Mount is emeritus professor of zoology and entomology at Auburn University and writes a weekly column for the Opelika-Auburn News.