Back From The Lazy Vacation

That’s right. I’m back from the laziest vacation in history.

Yup. And it was beautiful. See ...

That photo was taken from the patio of our sweet condo on Longboat Key, Fla. It was so choice. Believe it.

And in honor of the Sea Horse Beach Resort, here’s the Lazy Boy Vacation Countdown (LBVC).

5) Fore!
Golf. Golf. Everywhere. I teed it up as much as I could on the vacay, and played pretty well considering my swing is only slightly better than this.

The best round was last Friday when the Szvetitz boys (my three brothers and father), along with my brother-in-law and some friends held Buckhorn Springs Country Club hostage for about five hours.

Fun was had by all, and believe it or not, no one got hit with a golf ball or a punch. Which, has happened (more than once) when we all get together for a round on the links.

Remind me to tell you about how my youngest brother hit my middle brother in the head at a driving range with a ball from about 150 yards away two days before my oldest brother’s wedding. Good times. Really.

4) Zzzzzzz…
I love to sleep. No really, I do. And I got plenty of it over the last week and a half. Average bed time was around 9:30 p.m. (Eastern). That’s right, about 8:30 p.m. Alabama time.

It was glorious.

One night, I was comatose at about 8 p.m. ... Eastern, you do the math to figure out what that would be on Central time.

Little Tornado, who averages about 11 hours of sleep a night, had nothing on me. Heck, Steven Segal in the first half of “Hard To Kill” didn’t sleep like I did that night.

3) Just you weight.
The best thing about vacation? Other than golf, sleeping, not working, sleeping, golfing and not working? Eating.

Between my sisters wedding, the rehearsal dinner, the seafood restaurants and my dad’s pork barbecue, my stomach had to add on another room. Well, it was more like a wing. Chicken wing. (Get it? No? Whatever.)

The night before my sister’s wedding, at the rehearsal dinner, my middle brother (The Captain) and I single-handedly kept the chef at the Brandon, Fla., Macaroni Grill in business.

I gained about 7 3/4 pounds on my vacation. And I could tell you where I picked up every single ounce—kind of like a golfer who can tell you about every shot he hit during his round.

2) Life’s a Beach.
We spent the last four days of of the Lazy Vacation at the beach. See ...

... just in case you forgot.

The Busy Girl, Busy Baby, Little Tornado and I had a blast.

We swam, picked up seashells and build sand castles.

Actually, on the second day, I built a model of what the Lazy Kingdom will look like when it’s finally completed. Seriously, it’s in the works. Right now, we’re working on a 2222 completion date. Every day’s a little closer.

The LK had everything—a huge palace for the Lazy Family, a golf course, pool, pond (the pond would be good for you), ocean-front view and, of course, a 20-foot moat to keep the Black Knight at bay.

About two hours after constructing the model, I came back after a lunch break to find two sets of footprints trampling right through the 12th and 13th holes as well as the day spa. The police are still investigating.

1) Wedding bells.
My only sister was married June 6.

It was a great wedding and she married a great guy—everything I could ask for in a fourth brother.

My sister looked as beautiful as I’ve ever seen her. The Busy Baby was just as beautiful as one of the flower girls. And yours truly didn’t look half bad, either. Naturally.

The ceremony, a true Catholic wedding, went off without a hitch. The reception was plush. The food? I had fourths.

And then there was the dancing. Oh, you know the Lazy Boy can cut a rug. (Into about 50 pieces.)

There’s a rumor circulating that my brothers and I dressed up as the Village People and led the reception in the YMCA, but I can neither confirm nor deny.

The entire night was a blast, one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to.

Now all the entire Szvetitz clan is married, and it’s a bitter sweet thing. I’m proud of each of my siblings and their spouses, and love them all. But I’m very sad, because the next wedding that has a Szvetitz as one of the main participants could possibly be one of my daughters.

I’m not ready for that.

I just might break into about 50 pieces.