SZVETITZ COLUMN: Loss ugly in every way

BATON ROUGE, La. — WARNING: What you’re about to read isn’t for the faint of heart, women who are pregnant and/or anyone who is a fan of offense. Read at your own risk:

Punt.

Punt.

Fumble.

Interception.

Punt.

Punt.

Fumble.

Halftime.

Ouch.

Thrown in there are 42 yards of offense — just 16 yards of it was passing. Also in the first half of play, Auburn committed seven penalties for 64 yards. And there were still 30 minutes to go.

Reasons to be optimistic about the second half?

No. Not at all.

Field goal.

Punt.

Punt.

Punt.

Oh, by the way … touchdown.

Ballgame.

Have mercy.

LSU didn’t.

And neither will anyone else who saw Auburn lose its third straight game.

Where to start? Who knows. What we do know is where it’s going to end if Auburn can’t right the ship.

The more we move away from it, the closer 2008 seems — at least offensively. Shudder all you like, the numbers don’t lie.

Auburn totaled 193 yards of offense — 112 rushing, 81 passing. Auburn totaled just 10 points. Well, the starters scored just 3. Auburn needed its backups to make the game more respectable.

It was the fewest points a Gus Malzahn offense has scored in college football.

A quick look at the arts and crafts table and we just noticed the crayon box is empty.

And LSU had a lot to say about that, as the Bayou Bengals took out every color stick in Malzahn’s bag of tricks and broke them into teeny, tiny pieces, dropping them at the offensive coordinator’s feet, along with Chris Todd.

Auburn’s offense, right now, isn’t good.

Was it ever? Were the first five games an aberration? A mirage concocted by smoke and reverses to make us think something imaginary really existed?

Where’s David Copperfield when you need him?

Hocus pocus. Allakhazam.

Wait, we made Darvin Adams disappear.

But how much of this was Auburn’s struggles vs. LSU’s talent? The Fighting Tigers are the ninth-ranked team in the country, playing in their home stadium, you know?

“They beat us in about every phase of the football game, from beginning to end and probably everywhere in between,” AU head coach Gene Chizik said. “We got exposed tonight in some areas. I think that was evident.”

It’s also evident that Auburn’s not good enough to be bad.

But, honestly, isn’t this the Auburn team we expected in the beginning of the year?

Five-and-3 is about right. Right?

The schedule set up perfect for that hot start. But when things started heating up in the SEC, Auburn cooled off. Quickly.

But it’s not the end of the world. It’s not like the Tigers were going undefeated. Or even going to win 10 games.

But to go out and whiff so badly after such an impressive start, that certainly is a mystery.

Just like the Tigers’ offense.

MIKE SZVETITZ is sports editor of the Opelika-Auburn News. He may be reached at or 737-2513.