SZVETITZ COLUMN: Nothing beats the fun on the 4th

DISCLAIMER: The following column is written by a professional. Please do not attempt this at home. Or, on the road. Especially on the road.

It’s the Fourth of July!

Doesn’t that just make you smile inside?

I am a patriot, yes. And I love to celebrate every American holiday, especially Flag Day. But this one is truly special.

Today is the day we celebrate our independence as a country. It’s also a time to remember that freedom isn’t free, and there are and have been countless men and women who have given their lives to protect it.

My brother is currently one of those brave souls to put his life on the line to make sure my kids have the same opportunities I had. And I can’t thank him — and all of our service personnel — enough for the sacrifices.

And for that reason, the Fourth of July is above all the rest.

But, it’s also a lot of fun. A lot of fun.

It’s the only holiday where blowing stuff up is not only OK, it’s recommended. Police used to cruise my childhood neighborhood, handing out tickets to those people who weren’t setting off fireworks.

OK, that’s not true. But we did see the cops an awful lot in my subdivision around this particular holiday. Looking back, I think it’s because we were setting off too many. Oops.

Which brings me to the point. Growing up, my favorite sport wasn’t baseball or football, basketball or hockey, video games or all-you-can-eat buffets (but those were a close second).

No, my favorite sport was Fourth of July. There’s just something about shooting gunpowder on a stick and watching it explode above your neighbor’s house that screams apple pie and Chevrolet.

Forget baseball, pyrotechnics is America’s pastime.

And as a kid, it was all I wanted to do. And now that I have children of my own, I’m planning on passing down the tradition.

Forget having a catch, we’re having a launch.

The Fourth has one of those Christmas Eve-like feels to it. The night before, you can’t sleep. You wonder what kind of explosives you’ll get this year.

As you pull up to the fireworks stand on the side of the road, you check your list twice. Sure, you asked Santa for the M-80, but those Roman candles are pretty cool, too. You know stink bombs make great stocking stuffers. Oh, and then there’s the splitting comets, the cherry bombs, the tiger tail shells and the waterfalls.

That’s right, I was the kid who dreamt about blowing up the sugar plums dancing in my head.

As insightful youths, we used to make up games for everything we did: Who could hold their breath the longest? Who could throw a dirt clog the farthest? Who could hit the most passing cars with bottle rockets and not get caught?

Everything was a contest.

Being the “husky” kid, I usually lost. But, man, it was fun.

And like any great sport, the Fourth of July teaches you the fundamentals of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

You learn to get far enough away from the exploding piece of cardboard so you won’t die.

You learn to take some “liberties” with that 24-pack of bottle rockets. Just make sure that the fuse is long enough.

And you don’t tell your wife how much you actually spent on that 30-second fireworks show that will keep you in debt for 30 days, so everyone’s happy.

You also learn some other valuable lessons like:

* If you throw a smoke bomb in the middle of your parent’s party, your dad is a lot faster than you originally thought.

* Before you throw a Black Cat (a firecracker, not an actual feline) out the window of a moving car, you must first roll down said window.

* There is no such thing as a “dud,” because the second you pick it up is the second it explodes.

* It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eyebrow.

DISCLAIMER No. 2: Though fireworks are a source of enjoyment, please take proper precautions when dealing with them. Exercise caution and safety, as well as common sense, unlike me.

Have a happy and safe Fourth of July.

MIKE SZVETITZ is sports editor of the Opelika-Auburn News. He may be reached at or 737-2513.